Unwanted Commentary

Meh! So I finish my Sudoku puzzle at the Easy level in what I consider to be admirable time. Nineteen minutes and some chage. I felt good about this, but can the Internet let me have my moment of glory? Oh no! Nooooo! Can't let Jeff feel good about himself, that's why the Internet provides the "How Good Is My Time?" button that I just had to click on. You could probably hear my soul being crushed in the next county as I learned of my inadequacies. The average time of completion on the Easy setting is 7 minutes and 2 seconds. Fuckers!

But could all those Sudoku puzzle masters figure out that a blacked out sheet of paper means that the laser printer needs a new toner cartridge? Huh, could they? I hope not, because I couldn't either. I had to have the Internet tell me.

Posted by Jeff at 04:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I just finished listening to most of Guns N' Roses: Use Your Illusion II. Was this ever a good album? Really? My recollection would say that it was, but oh dear, sweet and holy eject button! My recollection was so, SO wrong.

Posted by Jeff at 01:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now on the verge of seeing another movie I though I might mention the one I saw last Friday. Transamerica, a film I had known nothing about until it was suggested that I might be invited along to view it. Having no details on this flick might intimidate others, but not me. I’ve always been easy going and as the years have passed I’ve become very open to doing whatever comes along. Be it trying new foods or watching movies, I try to find something enjoyable from most experiences. My philosophy being that I’m wasting either time or money on this thing, usually both, so I might as well get something out of it. And yes, I know that one sentence further up makes me sound like a whore. Manwhore?

So, come to find out that Transamerica is about a trans-gendered individual who ends up traversing the United States. The title is one of those dual meaning things for which I’m told there are more sophisticated words for, but at the moment I feel too lazy to look one of them up. Besides, those of you have been coming here for any length of time already have formed opinions about my intellect so I’m not going to waste time trying to fool you now. Anyway, yes. I’ll let you do your own research for the synopsis on the film. I feel certain of the quality of my filthy readers and their Interweb skillzorz.

My opinion? That is what you come here for. Well, I liked it. The acting was solid, there were funnies and sadness and the film kept a good pace, never dragging to a halt anywhere. Still, and I find that I say this a lot, it was too long. I can only guess that they’ve killed every god damned film editor in Hollywood. One aspect of this movie I really enjoyed was its lack of apologetics. As you might imagine in a movie involving gender reassignment surgery there are a lot of surprising and shocking elements, and no excuses are made for any of the character’s actions. They are the people they are and they do what they do without trying to justify it or gloss over what’s going on. The chord that it struck with me is that the characters are all just dealing with things the best that they can, trying to live life by the rules that have been either forced on them or taught to them by raw experience. I felt like I could identify with that and I think that says something coming from a man who is more than comfortable keeping his penis attached and engaging in regular heterosexual activities.

So does this count as another post about where I stick my penis? For those of you who are keeping some sort of tally. Questionable as it may be.

Posted by Jeff at 03:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

1. Jeff can fly at an average speed of fifteen kilometres an hour.
2. Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of Jeff.
3. Jeff can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid.
4. In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and Jeff!
5. The smelly fluid secreted by skunks is colloquially known as Jeff.
6. Jeff can use only about ten percent of his brain.
7. Scientists have discovered that Jeff can smell the presence of autism in children!
8. The horns of Jeff are made entirely from hair!
9. A Jeffometer is used to measure Jeff.
10. Jeff can clean his ears with his tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long!

I don't think mine is as good as Adena's, but you can try it for yourself and see how it works out. Initially I kind of sound like a super hero who got his super powers from a bizarre accident involving almonds and peanuts, but after #3 the list starts to loose focus. /sigh

Posted by Jeff at 04:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yesterday I was that guy. You know that guy, the one with one leg who optimistically enters the annual butt kicking contest at the County Fair? That was me. It was really busy here at the work place yesterday and there opinions that this was the fine I paid for being out all day Tuesday. Little do those that are of such opinion know how we suffered for our day away.

The engagement itself was not so miserable, but I doubt there are many among you, my filthy readers, or those in actual attendance that would have labeled it “riveting”. My cohorts and I were a initially skeptical upon arrival at the auditorium because the handy-dandy bulletin outlining the sequence of events listed no one by the name of George H. W. Bush as speaking. Suddenly there was a very real feeling that we had been bamboozled, fooled into the whole affair on some sly ruse. This proved to be unfounded and indeed we got to see our esteemed former President Bush and listen to his engaging, if not at times seemingly off topic, words. It must be said that the old man looks pretty good to be going on 82 and one really has to be amazed that Jr. inherited none of his father’s speaking ability.

Mr. former President spoke early on and after that it was a very dry hour or so listening to various wigs of the big variety. A cruder person than myself might imply the notion that the event seemed to resemble a circle and that there was some “jerking” going on. Ahem. As the clock edged its hands past the predetermined ending point there was some agitation amongst my coworkers, but we were rewarded after a fashion by the final speaker. This gentleman, it was rumored and much ballyhooed, owns the Houston Astros and is quite the go getter, a storied “Servant Leader” and man of the community. He seemed nice. He did tell funny stories. We were very happy when he stopped speaking.

The bus ride, oh the bus ride. All sins of boring dialogue could have been forgiven if it had not been for Newman. Fable Newman! A man of age and wisdom who has the patience of Job and thought it proper to instruct us, leading by example as it were, of how we should not rush about or go the speed limit on the Interstate. Now, I don’t actually know how fast Newman drove the bus, but by all available information and calculation it was less than the glorious State of Texas mandates. I guess there is something to be said for safety and not ramming the bus into a concrete abutment wherein my coworkers riding in the front of the bus are killed brutally, but sweet macadamia nuts! What should have been a brisk three hour drive came perilously close to four tedious hours and at the end of it all the whole scenario equaled a twelve hour day.

But then I didn’t work, got a free lunch and spent the day with Cici, which is never a bad thing. The hilarity of our slap happy, punch drunkenness after the arduous bus trip made the whole thing worth it. Fuck, these posts are getting long winded.

Posted by Jeff at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I will be out today for what I consider to be an interesting opportunity. Only time will be able to tell if I am gambling appropriately, because when you get down to it six hours on a bus full of your coworkers is a tidy sum that one risks. The promised payoff is to be allowed into the presence of ex-prez Bush the senior and hear him speak. This concept is only novel to me in that I’ve never actually seen a president, ex or otherwise and I feel that I have some civic duty not to pass up the chance. That and I don’t have to work. And a free lunch. And not all of my coworkers do I find, shall we say, unappealing.

Happy birthday to Dyanna, you should go to her blog thang and wish her many happy returns. Congratulate her on surviving this long, I think we all realize that it is no simple thing to have survived 29 years on this planet, especially with all your extremities still attached.

Posted by Jeff at 08:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I guess it was bound to happen eventually. The seething masses were bound to catch wind of its possibilities and wiles before too long. Unfortunately for those of us who’ve been dutifully towing the line all this time, and especially for those of who have lollygagged about and not achieved complete finality, it means that we are being severely punished. Maybe that’s as it should be, retribution for the sin of sloth.

Really not sure what happened, the time scale doesn’t play out in my mind in any sort of systematic or chronological way. Immediately after the Chrisholiday, that period of gift giving, things seemed to be fine. It could be that the problem was prevalent then, only being occupied by other things I didn’t notice until I tried to return to the fold. But my recollection of events doesn’t play out like that.

One of the reasons I had been unwilling to get into World of Warcraft, to purchase that shiny box, were the marauding stories of Queues that had been filtering onto my radar since the games release. Yarns of having to wait for extended periods of time in order to play a game that you not only paid an upfront price for, but also paid a monthly fee to engage in, were being weaved on Blogs and web comic sites hither and yon. This did not sound like the sort of endeavor I wanted to be a part of. When I was urged to be a partner in crime to the game I brought up this topic, but was assured that it was no longer an issue and thankfully it proved to be true. Lots of servers, no waiting, pop right in and commence the slaughter of unsuspecting Plain Striders and Mountain Lions. Huzzah!

Admittedly my commitment to the game has waned over the last month or so, but the concept still holds some allure for me. Indeed, I felt a certain amount of nostalgic revelry at returning after so long a hiatus, eager to take advantage of the obscene rest bonus I had earned by not logging in for a month. Would I be the prodigal son? Back from wandering, would I be embraced by those I had left behind and in turn rededicate myself to achieving the long hallowed Level 60? Early on I thought that this might be true, but then something happened and there’s a certain level of frustration at not being able to discern what exactly occurred.

Some, in the end, might say it was the “free trial period” that Blizzard started offering. Others might contend that all those grubby little hands that received the coveted WoW box under the Chrisholiday Tree and started installing it that night finally finished downloading the updates last week and were able to log in. Whatever the reason the servers are clogged, full to capacity. Even at non peak times I’ve seen queues almost to 100 on my established server and god help you if you try at a peak time where the line has stretched beyond 400. It boggles the mind, and apparently the applet that calculates how long you might wait too. I’ve watched as it ticks back and forth between 18 and 30 minutes. This makes if very difficult to retain any kind of loyalty towards continuing on, it really isn’t worth it. I would surmise that I’ve collected the original purchase price of the game in the amount of fun derived from it at this point. So the question at this juncture may very well be: do I want to pay a fee to stand in line?

Posted by Jeff at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I go into that room to take care of certain necessities. My goal is to always make the visits as efficient as possible with little or no rigmarole. That’s why the habits of others often confound me, particularly the men that belly up to the urinal and seem to go through some kind of ritual that involves a lot of obvious movements and sounds. As if they want you to be very aware of what they’re doing so that in your imagination you don’t think they’re over there jacking off. This is the only real explanation that I can come up with for these displays, but that may only be because I accomplish the same task with a minimal of movement and verbal output. Though it must be going through your mind right now that they are only reinforcing the very notion for which I feel they are trying to dissuade you from and that is they’re doing something beside you that is not appropriate in the public forum. This is especially disturbing when only a small sheet metal partition separates the two of you.

Of course there is the chance that I’m not doing it right. Now as time has gone by these things have bothered me less and less, because you can become desensitized to most anything over time, but what really brought bathroom habits back to the forefront of my mind was something that I saw today that I had never witnessed before. I had just finished washing my hands and as I turned to grab some paper towels a gentleman entered the restroom. I only notice because instead of heading towards the wall mounted receptacles he first stopped beside me and took a paper towel out of turn. The whole spectacle kind of went over my head at first, but as I let the door swing shut behind me the slow chill of uncertain fear crept up my spine. Had that man retrieved a paper towel before hitting the urinal? If so, why? Did I or do I really want to know? Is this something I should be concerned about or is this some piece of etiquette for which I was never prepared? HAVE I BEEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM LIKE A FILTHY CREATURE ALL THESE YEARS AND NOT KNOWING IT? Maybe so, maybe so.

Posted by Jeff at 03:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Are we out of the woods? There are portions of my brain that imagine us to be, but there’s that skeptical side that would believe the timberline hasn’t been left too far behind. Ours would be delicate situation for even the hardiest of lumberjacks, so I shall not wax poetic just yet. Would it be amiss to say that there has been a shift in geographic standing, moving from one wooded area back to the one we were in to begin with? Still, it would seem, some great hurdle has been leapt and now the ground is less treacherous. I feel unanimous in that I need to move away from forest metaphors.

Everything is fine, to put it bluntly. Better, even. I’m sure if I were to read the past posts with an eye towards nostalgia and nepotism I would accuse myself of over reacting. Drama Queen? Yes, I think that’s how it would go. At the time it seemed less than sufficient and the mind was somewhat on the course of mandating a blood letting or some such thing. No doubt a good thing that only the nice linens were available and that the deeply rational side of my character knows how difficult it is to remove those stains.

The weekend was nice in a way that I hadn’t anticipated, but from my vantage point…well, you know. Saturday, oh Saturday was an experience I hope that is repeated in the future, not just the activities themselves, but also the atmosphere. If that makes any sense. I communed, or “hung out”, over pizza, beer and wine with her and one of her plentiful siblings. I won’t say there are a lot of them because as an only child the concept of brothers and/or sisters is very foreign. It was a good time and I was regaled by stories of how mishaps occur when one is suddenly thrown into our rich culture with only minute understanding of the language. We frolicked with a niece AND a nephew and that was fun, but one must take into account the alcoholic consumption. I now think most parents are rabid alcoholics, I don’t see how else they can cope.

Anyhoo. Just a tidbit I guess. So that those of you who are more filthy than the others, and might have worried, can now rest easy.

Posted by Jeff at 04:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

So the Sun comes up again and the devastation isn’t as bad you thought it was going to be. Friday the 13th’s have always managed to be good days for me and I’m forever grateful that this one showed up. To my mind this is good for both of us, I time all my fuck ups to occur just before or on Friday 13th and my problems get solved. Friday the 13th gets good press, because really who wants to carry around that stigma forever?

It is fortunate because I was dreading the weekend; indeed, you probably could have just boxed me up. I would have still been breathing, but not in any sort of living sort of way. Case in point, I bought a bottle of bourbon on the way home from work with every intention of drinking myself into that sort of stupor that only seasoned drinking professionals can really appreciate. Once home the idea held for me little appeal or hope of escape from the pain. The bottle remains sealed in the pantry. And that was probably for the best because I don’t think such depression can be survived when you douse it with bourbon.

No need to dwell on those things though. The world seems alive again and blood flows warm though my veins once more. Perhaps it was the circumstances of the situation, perhaps it was the rapid saturation or that things just got all out of control so fast that I wasn’t aware of what was going on half as much as I thought I did. No matter, I come away a wiser and better man for the experience and truly appreciating more deeply the opportunity that will hopefully not tarry long.

Not completely out of the woods just yet I suppose. There are conversations that need to happen and decisions need to be made, but I feel overly confident that we both understand the situation with more clarity now and we will do what needs to be done. Most importantly our feelings for one another have not changed, so things are good. Seeing as how this whole debacle began over my breaching certain standards of privacy I’m a tiny bit concerned with how much I do or do not share. But I have to let my filthy readers know a few details. Specifically how amazing she is, how very lovely she is, how completely I’m in love with her and how perfectly my world is when she’s with me.

Posted by Jeff at 04:59 PM | Permalink

Diesel Sweeties

"I'd even settle for you being a blogger for Christ's sake."

Posted by Jeff at 09:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It isn’t fair to think that the world can be all for you all the time and it isn’t pleasant to consider that the world is all against you all the time and it’s very frustrating to realize that your thrown into the middle somewhere.

I amaze myself at how fantastically stupid I can be. How do I always manage to fuck things up in the most spectacular and inconceivable way? I evidently have a knack for destroying a relationship, and hurting the other person to their very core. But for a man with two ex wives that’s probably very obvious. What really boggles my mind is that I was only trying to do what was right and be honest. I should have lied. I really should have lied. That way the gaping vortex leading to multiple dimensions of Hel wouldn’t be there and there wouldn’t be an amazing woman downstairs crippled by anger at my terrible behavior. For once I’d like things to blow up in my face in a more predictable way.

So this is my admission to the Internet that I’m a jackass, I’m selfish and inconsiderate. Fuck me sideways. Throw blunt objects at me.

I know there will be those amongst you who will want to offer support. I appreciate that desire, but right now I don't want it...don't feel like I deserve it. So just let me suffer, please.

Posted by Jeff at 05:01 PM | Permalink

The Chinese are an ambitious lot and my hope is that I may learn their language so when they take over our country they might spare my life. The entire ploy is to become familiar enough with the yellow man’s culture so that I might grovel sufficiently and in appropriate enough manner that he will deem me worthy enough for one of the better sweat shop jobs and my allotment of rice will be slightly higher than the rest of you evil white capitalist pigs. That said I was a little dismayed when I recognized what might be a “flaw” in their otherwise cunning strategy to destroy our divine culture and my notion of their perfection was somewhat dampened. It’s no surprise that there may be some culture chasms for which both nations are unprepared for and that is the only reason I can fathom that our little communist adversaries are planning to release a car named Geely in the United States.

Sure it’s spelled differently, but I think they underestimate the white man and his deviant society, because if there’s one thing we delight in more than almost anything else it’s reveling in the misery and disaster of celebrities while watching them fail spectacularly. This is why I predict doom for this automobile launch. No American is going to want to drive a car whose name is going to instantly remind people of that horrible, horrible Bennifer vehicle that burned actual holes in the corneas of certain demographics that tried to view it. Americans may always pull for an underdog, but we are loath to associate with a known looser.

Just as I was getting comfortable with the idea that it is only our culture that rarely heeds the warnings of history I find out that the Chinese also suffer from the same malady. It’s easy to see how our Government could easily misunderstand, underestimate and act completely bewildered by the resistance encountered after our little adventure into Iraq, but there is no excuse for those clever yellow devils to ignore the obvious historical warning of the Chevy Nova and our attempt to market it in Mexico. Obviously, if they’d been paying attention they would have learned from our example.

The only reasonable answer to this Chinese conundrum is that they are gamblers. Risk takers of the highest degree or, as is probably the case, they hold our collective intellect in the lowest regards. Another possibility is that they saw how well the popular Compaq Armada laptops sold in the states. Now Armada is not a name I would associate with any product, but the fine folks at what was once one of the PC industry’s primary power houses ignored my sage advice and stuck with it. It worked out for them I guess, but then they got bought out by Hewlett Packard. We’ll call it a draw. Okay, this could be a rambling tangent, or you might call it a forced effort to cram another joke into an already overly long post. You might be right. I think the more important question for the Chinese is: How well did the Armada laptops sell in Spain, eh?

Posted by Jeff at 03:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I Am A: Chaotic Good Dwarf Ranger Fighter


Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.


Race:
Dwarves are short and stout, and easily recognizable by their well-cared-for beards. They are hard workers, and adept at stonework and engineering. They tend to live apart from other races; generally in deep, underground excavated systems, and as such tend to be distant from other races.


Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.


Deity:
Shaundakul is the Chaotic Good god of travel and exploration. He is also known as the Rider of the Winds. His followers are typically rangers, and work to protect the land. They typically wear leather armor, and carry long swords and short bows. Shaundakul's symbol is a white hand with the index finger raised.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Posted by Jeff at 11:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

No content!

Posted by Jeff at 04:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I’m pretty sure there was something I wanted to blog about earlier in the day. I’m almost certain that it was very well written and extraordinarily entertaining. You couldn’t hold me to it, but I’m pretty sure it would have contained a paragraph where I go on and on in an almost ridiculous fanboy fashion creaming over Ben Templesmith’s art. I would have probably mentioned that on our visit to the comic book store, whilst I was reaching for a copy of Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein #2 I accidentally picked up the wrong book and instead found myself holding something called Shadowplay. You could imagine me elaborating in this post about how I looked at it, somewhat chagrined at having plucked the wrong book from the shelf, and then gasped as I recognized the art on the cover. By this point you’d probably be rolling your eyes as I went on to describe how I showed it to co-worker Jon and then lamented at the fact that it was issue #4 and how he sprung into action, diving into the old issue bins to extract two pristine copies of Shadowplay #1 at only one cent over cover. I do assure you though that you would have sighed a breath of relief by the end because I didn’t include a detailed account of my body shivering in delight as I pulled the book from it’s protective covering and fondled it’s beautiful pages.

Yep, pretty sure that’s how it would have gone.

Posted by Jeff at 04:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The thoughts and sounds of the previous engagement only acted like fuel for a fire that suddenly erupted at the onset of the business day. A voice of reason would gently whisper cautious wisdom that laid out a conceptual plan in which you back away slowly so that deep reservoirs of discipline might be tapped. Under such circumstances, under such incendiary attacks the audio sensory equipment lodged in one’s skull becomes incapable of discerning any sound pertaining to wisdom. Therefore the delightful burns and singes begin to dance upon your skin as wicked demon grins tear across the face.

Posted by Jeff at 09:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The last few days of vacation were becoming a bit tedious and as Sunday rolled around I found myself ready and willing to go back to work. News that we would also be closed yesterday, Monday, was a bag of mixed emotion. I wavered between enjoying the fact that I’d have one more day to bum around and cringed at the monumental task of keeping myself entertained for another twenty-four hours. Fortunately I found that the college bowl games were a good way to pass the time and I engaged in a bit of WoW playing to mimic actual social interaction. It worked out pretty well.

I think I mentioned it before, but this was the first time since being at my current place of employment where I took the week after Christmas break and used it solely for my own purposes. That translates into me doing very little and cultivating my hobo persona all in the privacy of my apartment. I got quite a bit of reading done, the usual comic book fare and more substantially I made good progress on The Great Shark Hunt and Feast for Crows. I plowed steadily through that portion of Shark Hunt where Thompson goes on and on about the ’72 Presidential Election and then Watergate, not a subject I would normally find myself draw towards, but he made it more than entertaining. At first I was uncertain about Feast as I had heard, correctly, that it would not contain any of the “favorite” characters POV chapters (those of you familiar with GRR Martin’s writing style that will make sense), but as I’ve made my way into it the book has grabbed a hold of just like I was hoping it would.

I also got to see Walk the Line, again, and Brokeback Mountain. Both were viewed with CiCi and I think that increased the quality of both films substantially. She hadn’t seen Line, so that was as good an excuse as any to see it again. I do heart that bit of celluloid. Brokeback Mountain was very enjoyable and the acting was superb, but I come away from it feeling that nothing was really resolved. Once I was over the whole “gay cowboys” thing the movie seemed more or less a slow plod from point A to point B. Not that it wasn’t a well done plod, but still.

So yeah, that was a nice vacation. The whole ready to be back at work thing was kind of a trick. Now that I’m here I find myself looking at the vacation schedule for our next day off. The unfortunate thing about having a week off at Christmas is that we only get one day off between now and May, but that’s what sick time and vacation days are for!

Posted by Jeff at 02:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)