Unwanted Commentary

Ugh, sigh, ick. The wife is coming over tonight so we can go over dividing up the debt. I really don't want to deal with it, I don't want to see her and I don't want her in my apartment. There's something weird about finally dividing up our stuff, even if it is debt that we're separating out. I've been pondering why this is something I don't want to do and I can only guess that it's because it reminds me that we're breaking up.

When I told her this during a chat session last Friday she asked if I wanted her back, not that I believe she would want to come back. I told her no and she commented that it still gets to her that I let her go so easily. I haven't let go that easily, though I know it looks that way to her. That's the way I am, I can shut people out very quickly, especially if they one night tell me they want to leave. It's my way of getting them back for hurting me. I've done it several times under varying circumstances. I flip that switch and leave that person (in a mental sense), then later I deal with the sadness and regret on my own terms. Somehow, to me, this is easier than dealing with that person. With that said though, if I feel like the other person still has any desire to be a part of my life then I won't be so severe. I do refuse to try to maintain a relationship with anyone who I feel doesn't at least meet me halfway.

I still like the wife and I probably still love her, but I can't fathom how to fix things between us and she hasn't shown me any reason to even try. We're on good terms with each other and I'm glad about that, but I'm no longer sympathetic to her swings in mood, or her depression. I spent too much time trying so hard to deal with that and make it better only to have her walk out on me. That tells me that my efforts were not appreciated and I'll be damned if I'll waste more energy on comforting her, hell she never comforted me. My heart still aches when I know she's in a bad place, but I can be a cold bastard and in the end it was she who decided she didn't need me.

I apologize for dumping this out here, but I needed to. At least this one isn't laced with fuck and goddamn like the one I didn't post.