eldritch moments
The wife text messaged me yesterday afternoon. She seemed overly chatty and interested in how I was doing, how the cats were doing, how my weekend had been and suddenly I start to gather that she's working up to something. We talk once or twice a week, but typically it's a casual back and forth banter or we're dealing with some details of our impending divorce. This was different, she was buttering me up for something and of course I could see her coming from a mile away like a rabidly charging rhinoceros (this is no quip about her body size or character…I just wanted to use rabidly charging rhinoceros in a sentence).
After the preliminary artillery bombardment to soften me up she starts tentatively with a light skirmish. "I feel weird asking this." Oh I'm sure you do. "Are you seeing anyone?" Hmm…no, why? I can now hear the earth tremble from the cavalry charge that has crested the ridge. "Do you mind if I go on dates?" There it is.
She's now committed all her forces, no going back and I feel certain she left no reserves.
The apprehension I felt as she worked up to the point was some parts knowing what she was working up to, but most parts wondering if she knew what I'd been up to and not remembering if I had been up to anything. I haven't been up to anything, but that doesn't mean she might think I've been up to something and that's a battle I'm going to loose. Suddenly, what was amicable becomes overly hostile.
My relief that this wasn't about something I might or might not have done alleviated, for the most part, the swarming rabid butterflies in my stomach. A strange calm swept around me. "No", I said, "I don't mind, I'm glad you're dating."
"Really" she asked? No you stupid bitch, I'm quite calmly put off that you've decided to move on so rapidly. Evidently the love of your life wasn't so hard to replace after all and you don't even have the goddamned decency to wait for the divorce to be final.
"Really, really" I replied. It went on a bit more after that, but you get the point.
I'm not actually sure how I feel about this, it just happened and in the wake of it I feel I should be upset. Outwardly upset, maybe I should cry or throw things, but I feel eerily calm about it. I think I reflexively stashed it down in my vault of repressed emotions…
…I should really check the timer on when that baby's set to blow.