Confession
I feel so prickly right now, tired and out of sorts, grumpy and cranky. The weather is overcast and grey, at least the air is cool and I don't mind the rain…I typically like this kind of weather, but it's not helping my mood. Of course, I did something stupid on Saturday night and I'm beating myself up over it.
After a nice evening out on the porch having fun conversation and listening to music with my neighbor I ruined it by making a pass at her. I cringe even as I write it, but it happened and I can't deny it. At the same time I find it very amusing and upsetting. Typically I wouldn't feel bad about something like this, but it was inappropriate and I knew better. I knew that she was with someone. Fortunately she was really cool about it, and we said goodnight and other pleasantries before we both went back inside. I don't anticipate any fallout from it, but I do feel disappointed in myself.
It wasn't even a good pass and I'm not sure it really was a pass. Admittedly it was very late, around two in the morning and both of us were definitely less than sober. The conversation had been light and fluffy most of the evening, but somehow got steered into religion and moral philosophy. Now I'm not an expert on either, but I will gleefully talk out of my ass on both topics at great length. My neighbor had explicitly told me that she didn't like discussing such things, but after I found out she was an atheist I couldn't help myself. Things understandably get a little fuzzy after that, but I'd like to think she was more put out by my pushing the conversation in an undesired direction than my convoluted point about kissing.
Really, I had a point. I was trying to get across the point that if I didn't believe in God, thus not having a basis for morality, and that kissing her would be acceptable even though I knew she was with someone. I like to think that I had some deeper point to make off of it, but I'm not sure in the state I was in that I could have gone much further. I did want to kiss her, she's cute, but I didn't really expect it to happen. The idea of throwing something like that out there and seeing what happened was too overwhelming, so I did it. But I hate thinking that I upset her or gave her a bad impression of myself, because I'm not really like that…or maybe I am?
Anyway, seeing as we've been neighbors for over a year and this is only the second time I've even spoken to her, I'm not too worried about it (I'm sure you can agree, as writing this much about certainly means I'm not too worried about it). It just wasn't my best moment, and I aggravate myself by doing things like this that are fortunately fairly rare. At least things ended cordially; maybe I can just chalk this up to being too drunk, too tired and too charged up about conversation. I'll be good from now on, promise.